HISTORY OF THE CUP
COTTAGE CUP #1
THE ONE THAT STARTED IT ALL
The First Cottage Cup consisted of 6 cottagers; Host David, Dj, Josh "Bone-Crusher", Mackenzie, Nic, and Noah, and took place in beautiful Parry Sound Ontario. This location came with a beautiful lake which allowed for kayaking, canoeing, and the invention of life jacket diapers. The First Cottage Cup may not have had the bells and whistles that the current editions have, but it certainly had its unique charm. There was a game of poker, normal and condom water balloons, and of course the unofficial 7th cottager, Admiral Cocksuck. While there was no Beer Olympics, there was a 2v2 Beer Pong tournament that ended with the dynamic pair of Dj and Noah taking home the gold, and McGibbon bringing up the rear due to doing a bad job avoiding the rims of the cups. Other gaming highlights include Mackenzie revealing his master sword while playing The Legend of Zelda on the NES.
There were several casualties on August 20th, starting with a Mio Soaked, pantless David. To repay a debt, DJ took care of a dying David, up until he started to puke as well. Between vomiting sessions, David found the time to make a special tape for Nic's birthday, on which he gave some love advice, and prophesied that Mackenzie would end up with the hottest chick out of all of us. Finally, Nic; the bubble-beamer, the puke stepper-inner, and most importantly, the birthday boy, also eventually puked.
On the final day everyone sobered up as bears approached the cabin, luckily Noah was able to stop the bear attacks after having been inspired by Leonardo DiCaprio, in the classic movie...... "Catch Me if You Can"(the Revenant had not yet been made). The cottagers then got cocky and started to tempt the bears with shrimp, but they didn't bite. That was not the only thing that cottagers threw, as Noah gently sauced a shovel to Nic, which he failed to catch. Speaking of sauce, the creation of pirogies and tomato sauce occurred during the weekend. It was an affordable meal consisting of a 2 dollar pack of pirogies, a dollar can of tomato sauce, and the price of a new grill. The First Cottage Cup Concluded with Noah being crown the Champion, due to his completion of his 40 of fireball, his bear saving abilities, and by carving his name into the cup before anyone had the chance to vote.
COTTAGE CUP #2
THE MOVE TO BURWELL
The Second Cottage Cup failed to bring back all of the same cottagers, due to scheduling and travelling difficulties. Returning were Mackenzie, Nic, and Noah, who were accompanied by newcomers, Brendan Calum, and Matt. This was the first of two Cottage Cups to be held at Port Burwell. While Port Burwell was a calm and quiet place, there was some unpleasant noises coming from the neighbouring campsite from someone who was very annoying and seemed to constantly misbehave (fucking Layla). The lack of other women forced Brendan to drunkenly call and hit on some girls from out of town, despite being advised not to (historians debate this point, with some believing no one even attempted to stop Brendan from calling those girls. In fact, some historians go as far as to suggest these actions were encouraged)
Nic and Brendan dominated the airwaves throughout the weekend, playing Beatles' hit after Beatles' hit. Songs included Revolver's Elanor Rigby, Sgt Pepper's A Day in the Life, and the first ever Cottage Cup Song; Rubber soul's Norwegian Wood. Speaking of Wood, Olejnik had just been circumcised. This made him unable to swim, due to the dirty water, and made him have to take suspiciously long showers. Like weirdly long showers. Due to Matts actions and the circumcision, everyone left that Cottage Cup thinking to themselves, "Man, what a prick." Mackenzie had also recently had a surgery, but not on his penis. He had had jaw surgery, making playing a variety of games, as well as eating grapes, quite difficult. The games that were played are considered by historians to be the first informal Beer Olympics.
While there were no bears at the campsite, danger presented itself in different ways. Almost all of the cottagers had to hide their drinks from campground authorities, and in addition, the hike from the campground to the washroom was very treacherous. When dark, the cottagers had to walk very slowly to avoid falling off the path due to their limited vision, and the fact that they were plastered. The cost of exposing themselves to small children were just too high to not make the trek. The Cottage Cup Championship came down to two cottagers. Nic, who had performed well in the games, who introduced us to Layla, and provided the music, and Brendan who stayed up late to drink by himself, who hiked up a mountain while hungover, and who (along with Noah) set a new drinking record with 24 beers. It initially resulted in the first ever tied vote, but after some debate, Brendan narrowly won and became the second ever Cottage Cup Champion
COTTAGE CUP #3
THE DARK TIMES
The third annual Cottage Cup was the Cup that almost never happen. Once again not all of the previous campers returned, but this year required deep digging into the reserves. The Cottagers included 3 time returners Mackenzie and Noah, as well as Brendan and Matt, and new comers Wyatt and eventual mainstay, Robbie. The first ever Beer Olympic teams were chosen by the winners of a chug-off and consisted of Noah Brendan and Wyatt, vs Mackenzie Matt and Robbie, who named their team the Alco-holocaust. Games included; Flip cup, slap cup, beerpong, chugalug, washers, catchphrase, and a relay. The final score was 4-2 with the Alco-holocaust winning the first ever Olympics. The tradition of Cottage Cup songs was also continued, with Waxfang's Majestic being selected
This was the first Cottage Cup where guest who were not invited to be one of the cottagers showed up. Both Sam and Brian camp with us for 1 night, and Robbie brought some bitch, and invited Noah's cousin. There were even more bitches all over the beach, which led to Matt flirting in an attempt to get some beaver.
DAMMMMMNNNNNN
This Cottage Cup for the first time came with some conflict. Mackenzie and Matt argued over whether or not, Mackenzie left Matt while hiking in a forest. In addition Matt was also acting so wild that we got a ticket. And if he didn't get into enough trouble with the law already, he also flirted with statutory rape. Somehow none of those were the reason matt was confronted by police. While drunkenly walking home from the beach with Brendan, Cops pulled over to ask Matt if he and been drinking, to which he violently reacted by acting offended, and offering to let the cops search his beer filled backpack in order to prove his innocence.
There were a few casualties at this Cottage Cup. Mackenzie claimed that Matt puked, but those accusations were never confirmed. Additionally a broom made the ultimate sacrifice when it was split into two, but Mackenzie's parents were fully compensated. The final casualty came at the hands of Brendan when he brutally bludgeoned a beer bottle to death with a washer.
This year served as the catalyst to a drastic change in Cottage Cup Champion Selection. There were three runaway Cottage Cup Champion candidates; Mack, Noah and Robbie. But due to the voting system, the three cottagers voted out one another, eventually leading to a final vote between Matt and Wyatt. Leading to one of the toughest votes in Cottage Cup history. eventually Olejnik was declared the winner, and was never invited to a Cottage Cup again.
Cottage Cup 3 is remembered as the worse Cottage Cup. But just like pizza and sex, good Cottage Cups are really good, and bad Cottage Cups...... leave a bad taste in your mouth. And sometimes that taste is Molly induced foam.
COTTAGE CUP #4
THE RETURN HOME
The fourth ever Cottage Cup started the tradition of hosting Cottage Cup locally, splitting the time between Noah and Robbie's backyards. It all started at the outback cottage at 4:30, for everyone except new comer Jordan "Clow" who was a bit late. This was the first year that 8 Cottagers were invited; Mack, Noah, Nic and Clow who made up the soon to be infamous Dose Bears, who to this day you continue to hear stories about. The other team consisted of Brendan, Calum, David, and Robbie who were a bunch of Cunts.
With the largest amount of cottagers ever, we also attempted the largest ever Beer Olympics; 15 events. one of the new events was Super Mario Smash Bros which was an event that should not have been included, due to Robbies involvement. Nic defeated him with ease, it wasn't even close. Before the events could really get underway, we had our first casualty of the weekend in David. This gave David the impressive record of going 2/2 in puking at Cottage Cups. What was even more impressive was David's impression of a baby giraffe. But what do you expect when you're drinking corona's all afternoon? That shit is strong! Later in the evening Brendan got sick, which apparently affected his ability to play king's cup and to recognize the difference between hockey teams and numbers. Late in the night after plenty of beers and 5 burgers, Nic also ended up puking. After all of that Clow finally showed up.
Dose bears ended up winning the 15 game beer olympics, but for the first time ever it was a one-sided event with an eventual score of 8-4. While it would seem all went smooth for the Bears, they lost a game of flip cup due to someone being a douchebag. Who the douchebag was is still debated by historians. This was the first year that Glad-ball was introduce to the Beer Olympics, and the only year it was played where blood was not drawn. Mackenzie played well during Glad-ball, but you know who had an even better Jump shot? Calum.
This year continued the tradition of inviting non-cottagers, When DJ showed up on night 2. Without even participating he managed to break a Cottage Cup record, and defy basic mathematics ; going 2 for 1 for puking at Cottage Cups. He was also later slayed by Perkules, before heading to church the next morning. Dat bear was sick! Another tradition kept alive was the Cottage Cup song. Cottage Cup 4's song was "All night Longer" by Sammy Adams.
This year's vote was already narrowed down to only a few cottagers due to a plethora of puking. The final vote came down to Robbie and Noah who had both broken into the 30+ beer range, setting new records. In the end, Robbie, a member of the Cunts ended up pulling off a 3-2-1 vote, (Brendan was confused and voted for David) and secured his first Cottage Cup Championship.
COTTAGE CUP #5
THE FIRST 2-TIMER
Cottage Cup 5 was a big milestone for the group, five years had passed since the first Cottage Cup, and throughout the weekend you could tell that the competition for the Cottage Cup Championship was going to be fierce. The two Beer Olympic teams were the Admirable Admirals; consisting of Dj, Calum David and Noah, and the disgracefully googled, Plastered Penguins; consisting of Clow, Mackenzie, Robbie, and new comer Oliver, who became so faded, he almost became translucent. The Cottage Cup song was "I'm Weak" by AJR, in honour of David's birthday, and inspired by his previous Cottage Cup exits. The 5th cottage cup also was the first to feature spirit wear. (pictured below)
The Penguins won Flip cup and slap cup in a team effort, while the admirals won chug-a-lug through Noah's effort, and Beer Pong through the teamwork of David and Dj. While the Beer Olympics would end up being close, a lot of the individual games were not. The Admirals won Gladball in a dominating fashion thanks to Calum, and despite of Noah's Bloody nose, and D.J.'s leg cramps. They also took home the win in beerball. The Penguins won ping pong, and then pulled of a giant upset in case race. It was an overall solid team effort, but it was Oliver who carried the team on his back by sacrificing his life. For the first time in Cottage Cup history, the Beer Olympics came down to the final event: The Relay. The Penguins won by less then 30 second's, (and also somehow almost lost by 5 seconds) and took home the championship. Mackenzie became the First Cottager to capture 3 Beer Olympic championships, and was a perfect 3-0.
While there were some surprising victories over the course of the Olympics, the biggest surprise of all was when Nic unexpectantly showed up. While he could not come in time to compete, he did manage to come in time to partake in the festivities, which included a good amount of skinny dipping. The rest of the night had cottagers doing a variety of activities. David and Oliver travelled to a different party across the gully, Dj and Robbie managed to fall asleep while playing ping pong, Mackenzie and Calum continued to run the relay, and Clow went to throw up beside a tree but passed out instead.
Later in the Night the second guest of the weekend showed up; Carter, which started a yearly tradition of just inviting him to the last hours of the Cup. From there, the remaining cottagers sat around a fire, which was somehow prepared by a dead Oliver, and drank almost all of the world's alcohol. Noah and David set the highest and second highest drinking record with 54 and 46 respectively. While almost everyone gave a worthy Cottage Cup performance, the group quickly determined that Noah and David were the two front runners. After some debate Noah won with a 4-2 vote to become the first cottager ever to win 2 Cottage Cup Championships
COTTAGE CUP #6
THE BOUNCE-BACK
Cottage Cup 6 had plenty of firsts. It was the first Cottage Cup where it rained, where no new comers were invited, and the first time the eventual champion won. It was also the first time since Cottage Cup 3 that only 6 cottagers attended, and finally it was the first time Tex, a 40+ year old guest was invited. Tex played flip cup all night long, and held the MVP award for a significant portion of the night. Calum however did not have as good of a time, and almost got sick during a game of flip cup and eventually had to go home. However before this, Calum along with his cow teammates David and D.J., took a commanding 2-0 led in the beer Olympics over the heavily favoured straw-bearies, consisting of Noah Nic And Robbie.
The cows lead was cut to 1 when Robbie and Noah won there ping pong matches against a way past gone Calum and a barely cognitively functioning Dj . The ping pong loss was not D.J.'s low point of the night however. Instead it was when he could not convince everyone that he did not throw up in the sink located in the bathroom that no one else new existed. Monica never confessed to Puking in the sink, but historians are all in agreement that it must have been her. Games were primarily held in the sunroom which had screen walls, making disposing of water easy for everyone but Noah who managed to miss the wall.
Before the end of the night, the Cottage Cup song was determined. While listening to "Freaky Friday" by Lil Dicky, Robbie proposed that it be selected as that year's song. However, that year the cottagers would not be picking the song, the song was going to be picking them. Out of nowhere the song "Freaky Feedback Blues" by Benji Hughes started playing, a song David, Nic and Noah had never technically heard before, but felt like they had known all there lives. And so it became the official song of Cottage Cup 6.
While we had no confirm casualties by the beginning of day two, Nic was on the edge of disqualifying himself. However, he took his destiny into his own hand in the form of a vape, and breathed new life into himself. From that moment on, it seemed like he made a commitment to not only rock out day two, but also to see everyone's penis. He would go on to accomplish both of these goals. With a win in the chug-a-lug Nic had a firm grip on the Beer Olympics, as well as, at several different points, D.J.'s penis.
Quite possibly the least energetic game of glad ball was played with Calum leading the cows to a 3-2 lead overall, and Noah leading the nosebleed leader board 2-0. Afterwards the strawberries killed it in beerball, while D.J. killed himself with alcohol. His body was found motionless on the kitchen floor. Luckily he did not stay low on the ground for long, and soon was high in the sky marking his territory. But it was the straw-bearies who would end on a high note when they won the final Beer Olympic's game, and the Championship. This made Robbie the Second cottager to win 3 Beer Olympics, and Nic a perfect 2-0.
All of the cottagers ended up taking home a win when they defeated all of the cups in a giant game of kill the cups, where Nic and Noah consecutively called and hit the last two shots. This victorious time was unfortunately followed by a shameful incident. seemingly unprovoked, David grabbed the Cottage Cup that he desperately wanted to win, and spiked it as hard as he could against the ground. The disrespect shown to the cup was outright disgusting, and would later weigh heavily on the voters as they selected their Champion.
Dj made history by being the only cottager to (possibly) puke both nights of a cottage cup, moving back into a mathematically impossible puking percentage. History was also made when Nic became the second original cottager in 6 cottage cups to become the cottage cup champion. He won by a 4-0 vote, implementing a strategy of chilling instead of drinking the most or single handedly winning games. Superlative awards were given out for the first time for things like the biggest stoner, the most beers drank, and beer Olympics MVP, marking a new tradition.
COTTAGE CUP #7
THE BATTLE OF THE HOEKSTRAS
The 7th cottage cup was another amazing event with many ups and downs, all accumulating in a brother on brother showdown. All mainstay Cottagers were present for this cottage cup, marking the first time that all of them competed in the same Cottage Cup Championship. To start the festivities the Cottagers began the beer olympics by splitting into two teams; The Ware Scare Bears consisting of Calum, Dj, Nic and Noah, and the Dominant Race consisting of Clow, David, Mackenzie and Robbie. The WSB's had several solo standout performances, with Noah chugging his way to a team victory, and Calum single handily winning a beerpong tournament. With those two wins, and a team effort in flipcup and beerball, the dominant race was turned into the subservient race in a 4-2 loss, despite there wins in bocce ball, and Can jam. With the WSB's win, they joined the ranks of "Dose Bears" and "The Strawbearies" as teams with "bear" included in their name that ended up winning the beer olympic. Bear teams remain undefeated in Beer Olympics history having now gone 3/3. In addition, Nic now remains as the only cottager to have never lost a beer olympics after Mackenzie first loss. Nic and Noah both achieved their 3rd beer olympics victory.
With only Calum, David, Dj, Mackenzie, and Noah alive, they had to collectively do an 8 person relay as one of the final Challenges. Even with Calum puking mid-run, the five cottagers pulled off the W! A much easier challenge was completed when DJ posted the 550th rule in the church. Along the way, Mackenzie updated a classic rule regarding his death and the world's supply of alcohol. The rule now includes both himself and his brother. Another rule was made by Nic, which was about the existence of the Cottage Cup death ghost. What the death ghost is, or rather, who the death ghost was, is only the second mystery to come out of the 7th cottage cup, as a purple puke was found, with no puker to claim it. Months after the completion of Cottage Cup, Robbie admitted to his sins and is awaiting forgiveness from the Cottage Cup GODS.
This year, no song stood out like they had in the past, making the selection of the Cottage cup song difficult. Because of this, a life time achievement award was given to Pillow Talking, by Lil Dicky when it was selected as the seventh ever cottage cup song. In addition to the cottage cup song, a new tradition was added: the Cottage Cup Challenges. the Cottage Cup Challenges were a set of tasks that all cottagers had to achieve together. These challenges included killing a 144 ounce beer funnel, referred to as "Bongzilla" (which turned out to be a beer bong, to the displeasure of Nic) as well as drinking 200 beers collectively, a goal reached far too early in the afternoon. The challenges were added so that all cottagers may experience a win, even if its not through the beer olympics.
Noah increased the Beer drinking record to 58. He attempted to make it to 60, but woke up to a crusty urethra, and 2 beer cans that WISHED that they were pizza bagels. Clow was getting on EVERYBODY'S nerves because everything he was saying about wrestling was a bit derivative of cottage 4. But Clow annoyances was overshadowed by the seemingly inevitable battle between the Hoekstras for Cottage Cup Champion. For the first time since Cottage Cup 2, there was a deadlock in the first round of voting. in the discussion that took place in the later rounds of voting, it was brought up that Calum had puked, but it was closer to a regurgitation, and that Mackenzie had made a phone call, but it was a brief call. Ultimately Calum convinced the group that not only is he better at free throws, but also was the deserving champion.
Cottage Cup #8
The COVID Cup
The 8th Cottage Cup resulted in 0 causalities, which was doubly impressive because of how much the Cottagers drank, and because it was done during a global pandemic. The pandemic also made finding a venue somewhat difficult, as no one was allowed to have that many people at their house. And by "no one" I mean the entirety of the country. we eventually found our home by moving from one of Robbie's parent's places, to the other.
While several cottagers threw-up, none did so from obsessive drinking. Instead, they all lost to the intensity of different Beer Olympic events. Nic was taken out during the case race by warm beer, Calum was taken out by the final relay, and Mackenzie was taken out by the intense sun that was out during the cottage games, and definitely not from anything else. So it doesn't count.
Several Cottagers broke old drinking records, with Clow, Dj, Robbie and Nic all surpassing 40, and David passing the 60 threshold. So much beer was drank, that by the end of day two the cooler water was able to be repurposed for a religious sacraments. The entire weekend had religious undertones, as the first book of the Cookie-Cutter Sharks was printed and read in its entirety. Many great lessons were revisited and many more created, and all of them carried great spiritual and religious significance. CHROBS!!! Additionally, Clow had to be forgiven for a particularly costly sin. During one of his drunken, late night escapades, he drunkenly destroyed a transport truck. Not since the broom destruction incident of Cottage Cup 3 has someone's personal property been destroyed so recklessly.
With Brothers Mackenzie and Calum captaining the teams, each group of Cottagers were aware of the unbroken streak of bear themed teams winning the Beer Olympics. This led to the creation of the Red Pandamics, which consisted of Mackenzie, Robbie, D.J. and Clow, as well as the inconspicuous bear team, TheSuperbEarBuds, which consisted of Calum, Noah, Nic, and David.
This year's Beer Olympics was another close contest. TheSuperbEarBuds took an early lead after Noah chugged over a third of his teams beer, and Nic made some clutch throws in bocce ball. The Pandamics responded by winning Polish, with Clow making some heroic, (although extremely unnecessary) diving catches. The Pandemics were put on the ropes when TheSuperbEarBuds won a fairly close game of Beerball. However, the Pandamics came back from the edge of defeat by winning both beerpong, via a Mackenzie-Calum rematch, and through a dominating team performance in Flip cup. The tie breaking game was the windiest relay that has ever been played, that also had the cottagers trading in their beer for beetle juice. In the end, TheSuperbEarBuds were able to secure the victory by just a handful of seconds. With TheSuperbEarBud's win, the legacy of the bear team name, and David's winless curse went head to head, and once again David lost.
This year's cottage cup song was tentatively decided to be "Small Talk" by kid quill. This was never discussed again until the last bunch of cottagers to leave on day 3 realized no song had been officially selected. So they decide this was the default option and went with it.
With a great performance in the beer Olympics, a new beer record, and the calming power of his Zen garden, D.J. was voted as the 8th Cottage Cup Champion, beating out both Clow and Robbie for the title. DJ won despite disappearing for a large part of the Beer Pong tournament, leaving everyone and everything behind, besides for his sunglasses.
As of the writing of this installment in the history of the Cottage Cup, the 8th Cup is solidly within the top 8 Cottage Cups we have ever participated in. And I am not willing to budge on that.
Cottage Cup #9
The Second Covid Cup
The 9th annual cottage cup was one of the most highly anticipated in cup history. Infamous commentator and twitch streamer DoubleJFireball, and his crack team of analyst spent hours combing through past cups, Pouring over highlight and predicting who would reign supreme at this year's cup. The cottagers themselves also had an increase commitment going into the cup, since for the first time ever, teams would consist of 2 members and were selected months before the actual event. This led to perhaps the best crop of names ever created. David was paired with new comer Nic M making up the team "Nerds Are Sus" inspired by their many hours of being sus. And Spanky and Robbie made up "The Shadow Realm", inspired by Robbie's many hours of not having a soul. The other two teams; Clow and Mackenzie, as well as D.j. and Noah decided to not test fate, and gave their teams bear themed names. Dose Cubs was an homage to the bear streak starter; dose bears, and was also representative of Mack and Clow's childlike wonder and attention spans. Finally, D.j. and Noah made up The Blank Barbearians. The Barbearians were known by many names. At times they were Drunk, Horny, Champions, even Dose, but at their heart the Barbearians were Homo-erotic.
On night one, Robbie managed to fall asleep several times, without ever fully falling asleep. While he tried to make up for his sleepiness by having us all hear him ejaculate he didn't need to. Even half asleep her would drag himself to each activity, whether it be sitting around a blazing inferno, or wearing a nautical themed pashmina afghan. No matter what it was he would be there, eyes closed, looking as hot as a blind girl. Speaking of blind people, this reporter would be remised if he didn't acknowledge the dramatic scene that was made one night one. Cottager David nearly lost his sight, when an accidental bottle cap hit him near or around his eye. Despite of this, not once was he as pissed as a pickle, he immediately wanted Noah to know he was not mad at him, or at fault in anyway, which my lawyer informs me makes Noah not legally responsible in any way, shape or form.
The next day started with the smell of POC and farts for the cottagers, so they quickly got up and changed into their spirit wear. Outfits ranged from matching shirts, to full on unitards with giant pockets, and an ever growing amount of pee stains. Ice was collected promptly without issue and the games were underway. First the cottagers faced a new game; Mount Beerlympus. MOST of the teams split the beer drinking responsibilities in half and kool-aid man'd their way through the infamous blue wall, with the Handsome Barbearians coming in first. Mount beerlympus is a daunting game, but took the heart of the audience and cottagers alike. Next was the annual bocce tournament, where The Shadow Realm was shockingly bottom seeded, and then unshockingly took first place. Next was flip cup, where the Accurate Barbearians squeaked out a first place finish over The Shadow Realm, while Nerds R Sus squeaked out there third 4th place finish in a row. The cups giveth and taketh away, and in the case of the Nerds, the cups mostly tooketh. But they would turn the tables in the next game; spike ball. In a series of intense rallies, heroic dives, and power smashes, David and Nic M, defied the odds, and got third. After their epic bronze medal match the crowd dissipated and the next game begun. The Runner-up Bearbarians were beaten by Dose cubs for the Cub's first 1st place finish. Another new game; beer die followed, with The Shadow Realm and the Dominate Barbearains facing off in the finals, with the latter taking the W. With a first place finish in Beer ball the Edging Barbearians could win the whole Olympics. In a seemingly impossible turn of events, something less likely than being struck by lightning several times, then winning the lottery, then giving birth to quintuplets occurred. Spanky beat Mackenzie, the obviously better beer ball player, in the first round. This Cinderella story continued to the finals where he faced off against a Noahy Barbearian with the Olympics on the line. Noah had one chance to tie the game, and force overtime, but the category five hurricane that had been previous detected was back, and handed spanky another shocking victory. Having won the first ever beerball tournament, I must say that Spanky is the undisputed beerball champion, even with the unlikely nature of events. Everyone must admit that, It's just principle. As every good beerolympics should, the winner was decided by the relay. Even with Dose Cubs winning the relay, The Champion Barbearians won the Olympics, making Spanky the foreign one of the group. The Bear Barbearians also helped to keep the tradition of the bear theme name winning alive, joining the ranks of Dose Bears, Straw-Bearies, The Ware-Scare-Bears, and the Superb ear Buds.
For the first time ever the cottagers did not plan out there meals well. After a day of drinking, no one felt like preparing hamburgers while drunk. Because of this Nic M ordered snacks from 7-11, for everyone but Noah CAUSE HE'S A DICK. And Noah and Robbie tried there hardest to order pizza, and after a half an hour, and getting Spanky to go away, they were successful.
Either Troy, Tyler, or Travis dropped off the pizza, and apparently 1 large pizza per cottager was not the right ratio of people to pizza. If Troy Tyler or Travis had returned like he promised, we would probably have had the perfect amount.
The night ended with several religious ceremonies. There were many re-baptisms, there was the aforementioned blazing inferno, which was a result of the summoning circle that was conducted with no one breaking eye contact. We thrusted ourselves into our cookiecutter sharkism, but were ultimately shafted when the summoning circle resulted in no one coming.
This year's Cottage cup championship voting was difficult. There were many worthy candidates, and some cottagers were suggesting we not even crown a winner and instead let the cottage win (which in this reports humble opinion is grounds for excommunication). In fairness, the games were conducted differently, everyone was chill, and no one seemed to keep track, or care about drinking. Ultimately a vote was held, with Robbie, Spanky and Noah receiving votes. With a repeat champion guaranteed, the cottagers discussed the case for each potential winner. The winner was narrowed down to a member of The Shadow Realm, and in a narrow vote, Robbie was selected as the champion of CC9, and became just the second cottager to have multiple titles. He then promised to take the cup to German, but then didn't. It now sits dormant in a garage, soaking in the power of Cottage, for what could be several years. I guess it's true that the cottage giveth, and taketh the cups away.
Cottage Cup #10
Decade in the Making
Over the course of its history, the Cottage Cup has hosted 14 different cottagers.
Has occurred 10 times.
And has crowned 7 unique champions.
The Cup is a unique test of spirits, both of men and liquor, that has put cottagers and their livers to the ultimate test. With constantly increased expectations, the bars and beers have been continually raised. Throughout its glorious history, the Cottage Cup has added in drinking minimums, The Beer Olympics, an increased number of cottagers, The cottage cup tasks, and the wheel. All of these additions have led to the cottagers becoming the competitors they are today, and forging the Brotherhood they all share. 10 years of friendship, stories and traditions resulted in one of the best Cottage Cups of all time. the following is the story of CC10
This year's cottage cup migrated from London to Dutton, but rest assured, it was still hosted at someone's parents place. Other new additions included CC bingo, and "The Wheel". Bingo let us focus on inside jokes and historical precedents, but mostly just had us predicting what stupid things we would do again from previous years, while "The Wheel" focus on past cottage cup games and events. "The Wheel" also allowed us to iron out the rules of Ragnarock, and read the second 500 rules of the church.
For the first time we also planned on drinking a keg (planned being the key word). The keg pump broke, which delayed our first beer, but eventually we grabbed cooler beers, and swore in the new official cottage cup, complete with name plates, and a metal cup bowl. Now Champions can drink from the cup without risking getting poisoned by old plastic, dust and hot glue.
Spirit wear was back in full swing and both teams were excited to show what they had come up with. The first team of Clow, David, and Nic, all dawned their Bear Hats and gloves, which doubled as two beer cozies, and named themselves; The Double Bearel Shotguns. The team of D.J., Mack, and Noah also wanted to use a bear name, and so they decided on the original idea of The Triple Bearel Shotgunners.
There were some hard feelings, and rightfully so. It was perhaps unkind, or potentially dickish to knowingly copy another teams name, just for a cheap joke that just created some bad blood to start off the weekend.........But luckily D.j., Mackenzie and Noah forgave the other team, and we all moved on.
The arduous journey to find a keg tap continued. Cottage cup 7 Champion, Calum, was called and asked to locate one for us but was unable to do so. Eventually the Cottagers did their own phoning and research and discovered that apparently you cannot purchase or rent a keg tap anywhere in the greater St. Thomas area.
Day one continued with many beers being drank, games of king of the hill being played, and the vast majority of wheel segments being spun. we realized that of the wheel segment, none was more difficult to achieve then "Catch Phrase", but we got through it. All of this was capped off with a celebratory video made by Nic, consisting of warm messages from pass cottagers, and cottage cup attendees. (a fun BTS Fact: Robbie chugged a beer in his video submission, and immediately after threw up. This makes Robbie the only cottager to throw up at a cottage cup, before it began AND without physically being there). The video was capped off with Sam wishing us all a joyous "Happy Cottage 10".
Day Two started with the Cottagers being woken by the glorious sun and roaring winds after a lengthy 4 hour sleep. Dave and Nic decided to wake up by spinning the wheel and were delighted by getting a chance to drink out of an ice cube tray, something they would do again several more times that weekend. After a traditional trip to subway, 6+ contributions to our old friend Poo Poo Pal, the Beer Olympics got underway.
We started with Mount beerlympus. While somewhat close, The Triple Bearel Shotgunners were victorious. They followed that up with a very narrow victory in the new game of corn hole. After several late 3 pointers, they completed there comeback. During the game, there were several bean bags that looked like they might count after a lift, but unfortunately for Double bearel shotgun's they did not stay on due to the curvature of the earth .
After going down by two, the Double shotguns decided the only logical game to play next was Beer Ball.
They lost.
The Triple bearal Shotgunners had brought there opponents to the brink of defeat, and with a team effort in giant beer ball, they completed the first every Beer Olympics sweep.
More games were played after the Beer Olympics. The pool was open, Betcha was played, and the hill was discovered, with the worse version of a relay ever being played. While this occurred, Donna was on her way to deliver us our long awaited beer tap. It arrived, it was the right size, and finally the keg beer was ours!...........and it was very very very flat. Most of the cottagers had a sip, and agreed that drinking the beer was not worth it. However, two brave cottagers pushed on past their lying taste buds, and churning stomachs. Dave drank the keg for the rest of the night, and Clow drank the keg until he threw up 15 minutes later.
Dave's drinking of the keg isolated him, and seemed to leave everyone else out in the cold. This was made exponentially worse by his inability to start a fire. Later that night we all talked to Robbie who was up early in the morning to have a beer with us over the sounds of absolutely nothing....... especially not a crackling fire. The night eventually burned out, (unlike the non-existent fire) and we went to sleep, to just an unbelievable volume of snoring.
For the first time in years, The cottage cup was scheduled for 3 days, but because not all cottagers could stay, the vote was still held that morning. After about an hour of pitches, votes and re-votes, and many group discussions, DJ and David were determined to be the two finalist. After another hour of pitches, votes and revotes, and many group discussions, Noah was selected as the champion of Cottage Cup 10, making him the first 3 time champion and forcing him into a multi-year retirement. The cup was celebrated with mimosas and many toast to the cottage cup memories of old.
The last day was a proper epilogue to 10 Cottage Cups. We were able to chill all day and just enjoy some good company. The first Seltzer Sunday was a success, most of us did not get kicked in the head by David, or get Lyme Disease. To cap off the weekend, the Scooby Doo Theme song was selected as the 10th cottage cup song. How it was chosen out of millions of actual songs, is ironically a mystery.
Cottage Cup continues to bring the boys together. It will undoubtedly evolve and change as the years go on, but the excitement about the cup and the commitment to the weekend will remain a constant in our lives and friendship.